


The Tells of Sanic and Toils: A Saga for the AGES

by cuttle_bunny



Category: Sonic the Hedgehog (Video Games), Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types
Genre: Action, Adventure, Comedy, Drama, Suspense, it's got it all
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-07 19:25:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5468180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuttle_bunny/pseuds/cuttle_bunny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Behold! Da untold advenchurs of Sonic the Hedgehog and that fox kid! Observe Sonic's heroic yet relatable personality as he traverses across dangerous lands to once again stop the Egg Man from his evil schemes, all while combating all the other obstacles that come with a grand adventure! And Tails is in it too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ON THE WINNING WAY

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya! This is a little something that I started working on for fun. :3
> 
> Right now it's a work in progress. I have no idea when it'll be done. Heehee.
> 
> It's loosely based on Sonic 3 & Knuckles. I hope you enjoy ~!

     It was just another dei of advenchur. Sanic was standing on the plane that Toils built that in the air was flying now above the ocean. Tails was pilot.

     Sonic was very bored. “R we ther yet?” he asked.

     “No,” Tails said.

     “R we ther yet?” he asked.

     “No,” Tails said.

     “R we ther yet?” he asked.

     “Fuckin NO.” Tails fuckin said.

     “R we —”

     “If u dont shut up imma turn this goddamn plane upside down and watch you plummet into the vast pool of doom beneath us. Then I’ll watch you desperately cling to life as you drown in your watery grave, staring deep into your eyes as the life slowly seeps from your worthless body. And then I’ll shoot you. So don’t ask again.”

     “Jesus Tails, why dont u tell me how you REALLY feel about it.”

     Tails was so pissed off rite now at Sonic’s sass that he could not even. It always ended up this way, somehow. Sonic would start talking shit and be an annoying little fuck and just dick around on their advenchurrs, and Tails would just have to suck it up hard and do all the shitwork. Sanic gotta go fast all the fuckin time, and he just keep goin fast not giving a single fuckin fuck bout Toils. But, oh, then suddenly there’s a mega ring or an extra life or some other shit up on that really tall ledge way up ther and Sanic’s all “O hey Tells can u just pick me up and fly me to dat sooper cool item that u cant use so i can, y’know, use it?” And Tails (who just FINALLY caught up) now has to exert a tremendous amount of energy to lift Sonic’s fat bitch ass all the way up. And of course when Sanic gets what he needed from Toils he just leaves him in the dust, without even a goddamn thank you, goin fast again while Tails has to struggle to catch his breath. He literally has to struggle to catch his breath before he can even begin his struggle to catch up with Sonic again.

     Struggle after struggle after struggle. That’s all it was with Sonic. Struggling to keep up with sonic speed, struggling to build a plane to pilot over treacherous waters (cuz Sonic doesn’t know SHIT about swimming or planes), struggling to comply with Sonic’s ridiculous demands only to be taken advantage of. All of these thoughts flooded Tails’s mind almost instantaneously. He glanced at the plane’s controls, his pupils dilating, his heart racing. He could end this. He could end it all right now. All he would have to do is just pull the lever to rotate the plane just enough so he could cast Sonic into the depths of the sea. Tails could finally rid himself of the supersonic tumor poisoning his life. He could finally be _free._

     Tails reached for the lever.

     “Well shit i’m board. Imma c u l8r tells” Sonic said. And with that he suddenly jumped off the plane and radiantly transformed into Super Sonic. He then zoomed off into the distance, gliding over the waves.

     Well shit. Tails put his face into his free hand. He completely forgot that they had just finally regathered all of the Chaos Emeralds. He supposed the stress must have been really getting to him to make him forget something that significant. Tails glanced back at Sonic, who now looked like a shooting gold star wavering above the horizon. Tails sighed. For the time being he would have to endure. But when the time was right, he would not hesitate. He _would_ do what needed to be done.


	2. TOOTING SANIC AND A FIERY RED HED

     Sonic’s ass hurt a lot. He was tryin 2 remembr why while he standin on the plain Toils built that in the air was flyin now above the ocean. Tails was pilot cuz Sanic didn’t know shit about planes. Sanic cud not 4 the life of him remeber why his but hurt so much and he was rly rly very bored.

     “R we ther yet?” he asked.

     “No” Tells said

     “R we ther yet?” he again

     “Noe” Toils again

     “R we ther yet?” again

     “Fuckin NO” Tails said. Sanic tried askin again, but Tells told him ta shuddup or he would drown him or some shit, so Sanic got pissed. So he just stare angerly at the blue round him, and he wus even madder cuz his ass still rly hurt. And then he remembered his ass hurt becuz he put all the chaos emeralz in it so he cud be sooper. Sanic thinked it was a gud idea to b sooper nao since the plane was really fuckin slo and cuz he wus still bord.

     “Well shit im board. imma c u l8r Tells” he said and he turned sooper and dashed off. Man he was flyin fast over the water it felt fuckin awesome. Tho Sonic felt bad for leavin Tails but not bad enough to go back. Sanic was havin a 3D blast flyin a round and the world round him changed from blue to green pretty quick. Then all of a sudden Sanic suddenly smashed into something red and hard and he heard sickening cracking sounds. Sanic got so scared and bewildered that he sharted all of the chaos emeralds out of his ass as he faceplanted onto the ground. Sanic’s shart was so monstrously thunderous that the whole fucking world must have heard it and Sonic’s ears were ringing and he got even more scared. He tried to scream but he couldn’t cuz he got all the fucking wind knocked out of him. Sanic then heard an angry voice somewhere near him that was not his own, screaming:

     “YYEEEAAAAUUUUUGGGHHH OOOOOOOHH JESUS FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHIT?!”

     Sanic tried to lift his head to see where the voice was comin from but he suddenly felt an intense sharp pain in his entire chest cavity. It just wouldn’t stop and Sonic thought he must have broken all of his ribs and maybe smashed some of his internal organs too. Then Sonic realized that his face really hurt too and he started bawling like a fuckin baby. He tried again to lift up his crying bleeding face but it was just impossible. Sanic trembled all over as he felt from the ground the intensifying vibrations of violent footsteps coming towards him.

      _Oh God Oh God Oh God I am so fucking screwed,_ thought Sonic. A forceful hand wrapped itself tightly around his arm like how a goddamn cobra would coil around its prey and squeeze the life out of it. The hand yanked at Sonic’s arm and forced him onto his back. He felt the blood from his bleeding nose trickle down his throat and it was very uncomfortable. He cowered as he looked up at the scarlet dreadlocked figure towering menacingly over him.

     “YOO!” he yelled, “Yoor da lil bitch dat stole da emerolz from da egg man!” Sanic was scared shitless. Literally. All the shit that he had had before came out with the emeraldz. Sanic knew that if he had had any more shit left in his body, it would’ve cum out rite then and ther. Sanic also knew that the Chaos Emeralds were, in fact, not stolen from Eggman cuz they did not belong to him, and that this scary red guy was obviously under the wrong impression. But Sonic knew better than to impress any more of his buttons. Sonic was going to try and say something in an effort to prolong his life, but the nose-blood in his throat had coagulated, so Sonic just accidentally coughed bloody mucus all over the red guy’s face.

     Oh fuck.

     “YYYEEEARRRGGUUHHHH!” howled the red guy in an intense rage as he grabbed Sonic by his spikey quills and forced him up to his now bloody mucus-covered furious face. “YOOR GUNNA PAY FOR THAT YOO LITTLE SHIT!”

     “P-P-Please don’t!” Sonic cried desperately, “I’ve got what you want! The Chaos Emeralds! They’re around here somewhere – I dropped them when I ran into you! You can take them – all of them! Just please don’t hurt me!” Sanic shut his eyes tight – he did not want to witness the terrible things that might happen to him. Sanic felt the crazy red guy let go of his quills and he fell to the ground again. He opened his eyes and saw the guy examining an emerald from a short distance.

     “Wut the fuck? These r coverd in shit!” The guy grabbed all seven shit-covered emeralds in his giant hands and threw them at Sonic’s injured face. Sonic cried out in pain and closed his eyes again.

     “Why the fuck r these covered in shit?!” Red yelled. Sonic started to cry harder. He figured he should probably lie and he frantically tried to think of a good one. But Sonic felt himself being yanked by his quills again and the intense pain broke his concentration.

     “Did u put these in ur ass? WER DESE IN UR FUCKIN ASS HOLE?!”

     Sonic was so fuckin petrified he blurted out the truth: “YESS I DID! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! I DID, OKAY?” he sobbed, “IT’S THE ONLY WAY I CAN ABSORB THEIR POWER!” Sonic was dropped again, face first. The red guy forced himself on top of him, pinning him down, pushing Sonic’s face into the dirt.

     “U liek putting shit up ur ass, doncha?” he snarled, extremely and uncomfortably close to Sonic’s ear, “Then let’s see how much u liek my fist, you fuckin faggot!”

     Sonic squirmed but it was no use. “GOD PLEASE NO!”

     “What the hell’s going on?” a voice said. It was Tails’s.

     “TAILS, RUN!” Sonic screamed, “THIS GUY’S A FUCKIN LUNATIC!” Sonic was still facedown in the dirt so he couldn’t see where anyone was. He felt Red’s exerted pressure on his back and head disappear. Sonic wanted to get up but every inch of his body hurt a shit-ton.

     “Hmph. This is a fuckin waste of time. I got wut I need, so imma go. Later loosers!” Red said, and Sonic heard a sound of rustling grass that grew quieter and quieter until he couldn’t hear it anymore. He must have run off with all of the emeralds they worked so hard to get. Tails flipped Sonic onto his back and looked at his bloody, bruised, broken body.

     “Sonic, what the hell happened to you?” Tails asked with great concern.

     “T-Tails…” Sonic’s vision became increasingly blurred as his eyes filled up with tears. He reached out his arms even tho it was painful as fuck and he wrapped them around Tails and pulled him close. Sanic planted his wet face into Tails’s fur and started sobbing and wailing like a miserable idiot. He was so fucking glad Tails was here.

     Tails tried to pull away but Sonic would not let go. “Sonic, we have to get you help!”

     “NOOOOO!” Sanic whined, “DONT GO TELLS PLEEEZ! I NEEEED YOOOOO! DONT LEEV ME ALOAN PLEEEEEEZZ!” Sonic squeezed Tails tighter and scream-cried at the top of his lungs. He was actin like a complete asshole baby and he knew it, but he was just so fucking scared. He was so afraid of losing Tails forever. He felt like if he let go that Tails would disappear and he would never ever get to see him again. Sonic knew that sometimes he acted like a total shit and he figured that Tails was probably getting tired of it. Sonic knew he had to make things right but he couldn’t right now because he was in horrendous agony and he just could not stop crying. He just kept bawling and slowly everything faded as he slipped into unconsciousness.


	3. ANGEL ISLAND ZONE

     CRASH! A palm tree fell onto the ground, makin that big loud sound. The tree had fallen on the ground that made up Angel Island, a magical floating island home to the Master Emerald, a mystic green fat-ass gem that could make islands float among other things. The tree that fell had fallin becuz it was punched down by the Master Emerald’s lone, lonely guardian – Knuckles the red Echidna, rougher than the rest of them. Knuckles had been punchin stuff with his spiked fists since the break of dawn – he was kinda bored. Being the last descendant of his clan, Knuckles felt an obligation to protect his sole inheritance. Since the Master Emerald was a magical, important, pretty thing, Knuckles had thought that he would get to do a lot of cool action stuff to protect it, like beatin up people who tried to steal it. But most of the time, nothing ever happened. So Knuckles would just sit on his ass for a while guarding the thing, sometimes leaving to get food or to take a dump, other times to just fuck around on the island for a while. He did this all day, every day, including this day. It was a simple life, but befitting for a simpleton.

     Knuckles stared at the fallen tree in front of him. “Ha! How yoo liek THAT, yoo piece of shet?” Knuckles pounced on the tree trunk and pretended that the tree was a no-good thief after the Master Emerald. He wrapped his hands around the upper part of the trunk as if he were strangling the thief. But then he got bored of that so he stopped and looked at the tree’s three coconuts. Now he pretended that the tree was a hot babe with big awesome triple tits. He placed his hands on two of them and his face on the center one while he dry humped the tree’s base. “Ha… how yoo liek _that,_ yoo piece of shet?”

     BANG! Knuckles’s sexual fantasy was interrupted by a loud crash fairly close by. Knuckles quickly jumped up off the tree, a bit flustered. He figured he should go to where the noise came from. So he did, and he saw a big round metal contraption thing he presumed to be some sort of flying machine, and next to it he saw a round little fat creature hunched over on the ground. For some reason the creature was wearing clothes in addition to shoes and gloves. Knuckles found it especially strange that the creature was wearing circle glass things in front of its eyes, and that it had no hair except for the long brown jagged tufts coming out from under its weird long fat pink nose.

     “Oh, fabled guardian of the holy gem!” the creature cried, “fear me not, for I come in peace! I am but a humble man, victim of terrible deeds! I have travelled far in search of asylum from a terrible beast! Please, lend me your ears and hear my tale of woe!”

     Knuckles stared. “lol wut?”

     The man paused, then said, “I wus attacked help me out?”

     Knuckles blinked. “Ok whaddaya want?”

     The round man’s face fell into despair again as he cried, “Oh, it was horrible! I was attacked by a treacherous evil thief!”

     Knuckles’s eyes widened slightly with interest. “A thief?”

     The man nodded vigorously. “Yes! The most evil, vicious, faggotty thief in the whole world!”

     Knuckles tilted his head, confused. “wuts a faggotty?”

     The man paused, slightly taken aback. “Well, uh, a faggot is someone who has, um… gay tendancies.”

     “Wuts a gey?” Knuckles asked, still confused.

     “Um… a man who likes men,” the man said.

     Knuckles stared, still confused.

     “… sexually.”

     Knuckles was hesitant. “Is that… bad?”

     “Why, yes of course!” the man exclaimed emphatically, “to be gay is to be a worthless, loathsome, sinful cretin! Faggots will rape the whole earth and anything that stands in their way, just to get what they want! They could even rape _you,_ if you aren’t careful.”

     Knuckles was stumped. He had a hard time figuring out what was so bad about a dude bangin a dude. He personally wasn’t crazy about the idea, but he couldn’t see what was wrong with other guys doing it, or how it made them evil and shit. But Knuckles knew he wasn’t very smart, and he figured that this man must be very smart and know what he was talking about, cuz he used big words and he managed to get all the way to Angel Island in just a metal thingy that he probably built himself. Knuckles felt ashamed that he was ignorant, and he didn’t want to ask any more questions that would draw any more attention to that fact. He figured he should just take the smart guy at his word.

     Knuckles asked, “So hoo wus the theif that attacked yoo?”

     The man got all sad again. “Oh, he is an awful being! Just awful! His name is Sonic, and he is a blue hedgehog who can run at incredible speeds! I was just simply minding my own business, trying to protect my Chaos Emeralds that have been passed down in my family for generations! And suddenly he came out of nowhere and just – just —!” The man’s voice broke into pained sobs. He pulled out from his sleeve a pretty pink polka-dotted handkerchief and loudly blew his wet, dripping nose into it.

     Knuckles felt bad, and wanted to know what happened. “Just wut?” he asked.

     “He… he…!” the man stammered, “He _stole_ the Chaos Emeralds from me!”

     Knuckles gasped. “He didn’t!”

     The man cried. “He _did!_ He swiped them from my feeble, unsuspecting hands! It was terrible! And now that he has them, I fear we are in grave danger!”

     Knuckles was afraid. “Wut do yoo mean?”

     “Well, you see, the Chaos Emeralds hold great, mysterious power, much like your Master Emerald,” the man explained, “I fear that Sonic may use the power of the Chaos Emeralds to steal _your_ Master Emerald!”

     “Oh noez!” Knuckles said.

     “Oh _yes!_  ” The man cried. Then he fell to his knees and folded his hands. “I beg of you, protect your treasure in the way I failed to protect mine! Don’t let that wretched Sonic take your precious Master Emerald! Or the whole world will be at his gay mercy!”

     Knuckles felt so sorry for this poor man. This Sonic seemed like a horrible, despicable person. Knuckles clenched his fists with furious passion as the rage boiled inside of him. “Don’t worry!” he proclaimed, “As soon as I see his faggot ass I’ll pulverize dat muthafucka and take back da chaos emeraldz and return em to yoo! Mark my words! I shall revenge yoo, fatman!”

     The man sighed. “Please, call me Eggman.”


End file.
